One screw-up in life

Copyright 2006 by EC
 

It was a pleasant October afternoon on campus, but Cecilia Sanchez didn’t have time to enjoy the weather. The university sophomore stepped up her pace as she realized she was late for her upcoming appointment with her economics professor and mentor, Dr. Ruth Burnside.

Cecilia cringed at the prospect of having to deal with that unpleasant woman, but she couldn’t say anything. As harsh a person as the professor may have been, Cecilia owed Burnside for having changed the course of her life. Cecilia had grown up in a tough Dominican neighborhood in New Jersey and was the only member of her family to graduate from high school, let alone attend college. In spite of her good performance in school, the best she could have hoped for in life was going into the military, since her family had neither the money nor the desire to send her to college.

It was because of Dr. Burnside that Cecilia was studying at the university. The economics professor was on the executive board of an academic foundation that identified promising students from lower income urban and rural communities for grants to study at the university. The economics department was interested in producing more than just corporate analysts and business majors, hence the scholarship program and invitations to students such as Cecilia Sanchez to come to Chicago and study. The teenager’s prospects in life improved dramatically when her high school counselor nominated her to the scholarship program, Dr. Burnside reviewed her academic record, and she was offered a four-year scholarship, all expenses paid. Just a month after graduating from high school Cecilia left New Jersey on a bus for Chicago, fleeing her dysfunctional family, rough neighborhood, and unhappy childhood.

The university’s acceptance of Cecilia as a scholarship student came at a price. She was at the professor’s mercy and had to please her if she hoped to keep her grant.

Ruth Burnside was still relatively young for a tenured professor and in excellent physical shape from constantly exercising. She was only 37, but had a very severe appearance. Her intense dark eyes and sharp nose somewhat reminded Cecilia of the face of a hawk. Burnside's appearance was made even more intimidating by her immaculate dark business clothing and her jet-black hair pulled back tight and wrapped in a bun. Her demeanor was partly that of a strict military officer and partly that of a dominatrix, the result of her religious childhood and several years of service in the Navy. When alone with the professor Cecilia always was tempted to stand at attention, and never would have dreamt of sitting down in her office without first being offered a seat. Even the way that Burnside referred to herself, using just her last name, reflected a total lack of warmth in her personality. The most intimidating detail about Dr. Burnside, however, was her sharp stare. When she was talking to a person her eyes seemed to bore right into her listener. Her expression always seemed to say. "Look, you pathetic little slacker, I know you better than you know yourself, so don't try to bullshit me."

----------

Cecilia entered Burnside's office and noticed the time, 12:35. Shit! Her appointment had been at 12:30. Her meeting with Burnside was not about to get off to a good start. She rushed into the back office, but it was too late. Burnside was standing in front of her desk, her arms crossed, with a cold stare that tore straight into her student.

"Well, Ms. Sanchez, I see we're keeping bankers' hours."

"I…I'm sorry Dr. Burnside…but it was only five minutes, and I was comin’ from another class."

"Cecilia…two things. First, don't tell me you're sorry. If you were sorry you would've been here at 12:30 like I told you. What you're sorry about is that I'm pissed off."

"Yes Dr. Burnside."

"The second thing is that you come to me with an excuse, some bullshit about a class, even though your class ended at noon. Now, what do I say about excuses?"

"That 'excuses are like assholes, everybody has one,' Dr. Burnside."

"That's right. I'm not interested in hearing some excuse. Now that we have the apologies and excuses out of the way we can talk about your progress with your midterm research project. Let me have that list of what you’ve checked out so far and we’ll just see what you’re missing."

Cecilia pulled out a print-out of the library books she had checked out. Burnside took the list and logged onto her computer to see what other books and research articles she wanted Cecilia to add to her project. She typed in her password, accessed her faculty account, looked into a directory of articles, and told Cecilia to sit at the computer and write down several titles.

As Cecilia started copying titles and reference numbers, Burnside’s pager went off. She glanced at the message and excused herself.

"I just got a delivery in the main office and I have to sign for it. I’ll let you stay here and finish copying. Don’t leave until I get back, and don’t open any other files in the computer."

Cecilia finished copying the titles and was about to log-off when she noticed a desktop icon titled "Examination Drafts". Out of curiosity she clicked on it. Inside the folder she noticed the names of several tests, including one from a class she had taken the previous year, "Econ147Midterm01". Curious to see if this year’s midterm would be the same, Cecilia clicked on the icon. She figured that, since she already had taken the class, there wouldn’t be a problem checking out the current year’s midterm. The new test would have completely different questions, but keep the general format it had the previous year. Her curiosity satisfied, she closed the file and got a dialogue box:

"Click yes to log your account"

Cecilia clicked "no". She closed the exam folder just as Burnside returned with some certified envelopes. She laid them on her desk and instructed the student to help her take some supplies to an upcoming lecture.

----------

The next morning Cecilia’s dorm director knocked on her door.

"Cecilia, Professor Burnside wants you to go to her office immediately."

"But what about my morning classes?"

"I don’t know. Whatever it is that Dr. Burnside wants, it sounds serious. I think she’s more worried about getting you over to her office than about your other classes."

A prickly feeling of fear crept up Cecilia’s back as she rushed across campus. Obviously something was very wrong. As soon as her office door was closed, Burnside got right to the point.

"Alright. I have a question and you’d better answer me honestly. When you were on my computer yesterday, did you open any files?"

Cecilia thought a second, and then remembered the midterm draft.

"I sorta…took a look…at the midterm file for the Theory class…’cause I was curious to see if it was like last year."

"OK. That answers one question. Now, what did I tell you about opening files on the computer?"

"I wasn’t ‘sposed to do it, Dr. Burnside."

"That’s right. You disobeyed a direct order. Now for the other question that interests me. Why did you open that file? What was in there that you needed to see?"

"I...it…I was just curious, to see if it was like last year."

"My God! Just curious? You’re trying to tell me that you opened an exam file because you were ‘curious’? Do you have any idea how lame that sounds?"

"Dr. Burnside, it’s true…I was just curious…honest."

Burnside picked up an ominous-looking folder with a computer printout. She looked hard at Cecilia, realizing her student still did not recognize the seriousness of the situation. She handed her a memo sent to her office the previous night.

"Here. Read this. Then I’ll tell you the rest of it."

Cecilia took the printout and read:

Dr. Burnside:

The university examination tracking system detected a user violation on computer ECON748a, which our records indicate is assigned to your office. Yesterday, at 12:47 p.m. our records identified an un-logged access to examination file 88382-f.

Because examination 88382-f is compromised, the chairman’s office directs you to delete it from computer ECON748a. Furthermore, you will prepare a statement detailing any and all knowledge you have concerning the aforementioned violation of this department’s examination security policy. Upon completing your statement you will submit it for review by the University Ethics Committee for Tenured Instructors.

Signed:

Richard Baker – Ph.D.
Acting Chairman – Department of Economic Studies

Cecilia’s hands shook as she handed back the letter. The professor continued:

"I don’t know what to say. I trusted you, and obviously trusting you was a big mistake."

"But I didn’t copy anything! I just looked at some of the questions! I…was just…curious!"

Burnside took a deep breath, struggling to control her temper.

"Alright. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, because the computer log doesn’t indicate you copied or downloaded any text. I think we can avoid a criminal prosecution over this, although you might have to consent to an electronic search of your personal computer. But…you’ll have to understand that at the very least you’re facing disciplinary action under the Student Code of Ethics."

A very sick feeling swept over Cecilia. A possible criminal prosecution? A search of her computer? Definite disciplinary action? Burnside’s next words only made her feel worse.

"I need you to prepare a statement that describes the incident from your point of view. I need it as detailed as possible, because Ethics Committee will check your recollection against the electronic log. It’ll be a sworn statement, and will be entered into evidence."

"But…what…what’s gonna happen, Dr. Burnside?"

"I don’t know, Cecilia. I don’t know what’s going to happen, except that you’ll go before an official hearing to determine how the department’s going to deal with you. I’ll try to put the best face on this I can, but the university isn’t going to be happy about this. Now start typing."

Cecilia had one final question, the answer to which she already knew.

"Dr. Burnside, am I gonna get to go to my other classes? I’m kinda worried about the midterms…"

"No, as of now you’re suspended, and you’re not allowed to be anywhere on campus unescorted. You’ll to have to stay here in the department until the hearing."

Cecilia stood immobilized from shock. Burnside’s sour voice snapped.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Sit your butt down and type out your explanation."

As Cecilia sadly sat typing, Burnside called the ethics committee to request an emergency hearing, since it was important to resolve Cecilia’s situation as quickly as possible. The committee chairman responded that he could hold a hearing at 6:00 that evening.

Burnside’s thoughts moved to her next priority, salvaging Cecilia’s enrollment. At all costs, Burnside had to do whatever was necessary to convince the ethics panel not to expel her from the university.

Cecilia got about halfway through a page-long explanation when she stopped. She put her head down into her hands, as tears started dripping down her cheeks. It’s over…she kept thinking to herself… my one chance in life is over. Finally she pulled herself together enough to finish her statement and handed the disk to her professor.

Burnside reviewed the statement and deleted the sentence in which Cecilia mentioned that she had been told not to open any files.

Cecilia spent the longest afternoon of her life sitting in the Economic Department’s reception area while Burnside taught her classes. The waiting gave her time to think about how bleak her future had become. How quickly everything had ended for her! All it took was two minutes of curiosity and stupidity to destroy her ambitions! Her life was over, because she couldn’t see how she could recover from this disaster. There would be no going home. There was no way she could face her family after this failure.

For the first time in years, Cecilia contemplated her own death. Without her studies, she had no future, and without her future, no point in staying alive. She wondered if she could work up the nerve to commit suicide, and if so, how she could carry it out.

Finally, Burnside called Cecilia back into her office.

"Alright, a couple of things I need to tell you. The first is that I’m really pissed. I’ll have to re-write the entire mid-term, and I don’t appreciate that. Second, if you’d just done what I told you to do, none of this would be happening."

"Yes, Dr. Burnside. I understand."

"The next thing is that right now I have one priority on my mind, and that’s keeping you enrolled. No matter what I say to that committee, you are not to contradict me."

Cecilia looked up Burnside with teary eyes and nodded.

"I’m going to try to convince them to defer your punishment back to me. I’ll settle matters with you afterwards, which will be part of my argument that you shouldn’t be expelled. You’ll be punished, but we’ll do it in private and it’ll stay out of your student records."

Cecilia wondered what on earth Burnside meant by the comment "you’ll be punished, but we’ll do it in private". The professor continued:

"Before we head to the hearing room, I want you to sign this. You are responsible for honoring this agreement if I manage to keep you from getting expelled."

Cecilia read:

I, __________, admit to having accessed an active course examination file on __________ without authorization from either my professor, Dr. Ruth Burnside, or anyone else associated with the Department of Economic Studies. I fully understand that unauthorized access of an active examination file is grounds for immediate expulsion from this university under the Student Code of Ethics. I also understand that an unauthorized access of an active university examination file for the purpose of re-distribution is a misdemeanor offence under the laws of this state and is punishable by 90 days in jail and/or a $ 5,000 fine.

In lieu of disciplinary action from the university administration, I, __________, freely and willingly choose to accept the disciplinary alternative offered by my professor, Dr. Burnside. I understand that upon completion of the disciplinary alternative to Dr. Burnside's satisfaction, I will continue my coursework and no further action will be taken against me.

Signed ___________.

----------

A few minutes later Cecilia and Burnside stood before three very stern-looking senior professors. Cecilia recognized two of them from the Department of Economic Studies. The third panel member was a female professor from the Business School. As severe as Ruth Burnside might have seemed to Cecilia, if anything, the three in front of her looked even worse. Burnside’s usual direct and confident self-demeanor was a bit toned down in the hearing, given the uncomfortable task she had in trying to convince them to let her student stay enrolled.

Burnside directed Cecilia to present her statement to the committee. She signed it in the presence of the committee members who each initialed the bottom of the document. There was a reading of the computer log, and the conclusion that it matched Cecilia’s statement. The director of the committee then spoke to Burnside.

“Ruth, what’s your interpretation of Ms. Sanchez’s motives?”

“As odd as this sounds, I think she’s telling the truth. The computer log doesn’t show the downloading of any text, which to me would have indicated she had some other purpose for accessing the file. She says it was just curiosity, and I think that’s what it was.”

“Do you think she was aware of the serious consequences of her actions?”

“No, of course she wasn’t. And that was partially my fault, because I didn’t say anything about not opening the test files. I just assumed she wouldn’t.”

“You assumed. Ruth, you can’t make such assumptions! That sloppiness of thinking is unacceptable, especially from someone with your standing in the department! You’re at fault then, for leaving those files unsecured! Do you understand that?”

“Yes, I understand that. I accept blame for leaving my files unsecured. I am willing to accept my part of the responsibility for this incident, because I did not secure the contents of my computer. Ms. Sanchez accessed the file in large part due to my own negligence.”

The female member of the panel spoke.

“Well Ruth, perhaps it is a noble thing you are trying to accomplish, but I suspect your efforts to accept blame and keep your student enrolled are being misdirected. To me it seems that Ms. Sanchez has proven herself untrustworthy, and to be honest, I feel she’s taking the place of someone else who could bring to this university a better character. The fact that you left examination files unsecured is a separate issue, but I don’t feel that means that Ms. Sanchez should not suffer the consequences of her actions.”

“I agree with you. Ms. Sanchez should suffer the consequences of her actions. But I don’t think those consequences should entail ruining her life. My intention is not to let her off, but instead make this a learning experience for her. I ask you to remember that outside this incident, she has been an exemplary student. Should we condemn her for a single mistake, however serious that mistake may have been?”

The chairman of the committee spoke to Cecilia:

“Young lady, I’d like to ask you something. How do you feel about this? What lessons do you think you might take away from this hearing?”

“Sir, all I can say is that I really messed up. I don’t know. Maybe I deserve to get kicked out, ‘cause of all the trouble I caused for Dr. Burnside. But, no matter what, I do wanna say ‘thank you’ to Dr. Burnside for at least trying to help me, and that…I’m sorry for what I did.”

“If this committee decides to refer your discipline back to Professor Burnside, would you find that acceptable?”

“Yes sir. I’d do whatever she tells me.”

“Then…” the director faced the representative from the Business School, “…Brenda, I’m going to disagree with you on this. I think the interests of Ms. Sanchez and the university are better served by keeping her enrolled and deferring the matter back to Ruth. Bob, what do you think?”

“Let Ruth handle it. That’s my vote. Brenda?”

“I’m dissenting. I think this young woman violated the trust of the university and of a faculty member. She should be made into an example for other students, and I would like that comment recorded in the minutes of this meeting.”

“Very well, Brenda, your concerns will be noted. Ruth, this panel is voting two to one to allow Cecilia Sanchez to remain enrolled as a student in the Department of Economic Studies. I am recommending she be placed on probation for the rest of the semester and will hold you personally accountable for her behavior from this point forward. As of this moment the suspension against her is removed and she will be allowed to return to her classes as of tomorrow morning.”

“Very well. For the record I want to express my deep appreciation to this committee for your consideration, and also for meeting on such short notice to resolve my student’s standing.”

Burnside turned to leave, but Cecilia was so stunned that she couldn’t even react. The professor touched her arm.

“Cecilia, let’s go. I need to talk to you in private.”

Cecilia quietly followed Burnside down the stairs, not completely sure what exactly had been decided by the committee. She was too scared to ask or say anything. Once in the office, the older woman closed the door.

“Cecilia, do you understand what just happened?”

“I…I’m not gonna get kicked out?”

"Sort of. What the committee did was make me responsible for deciding about your continued enrollment. Obviously it’s my intention that you stay enrolled. It’s also my intention that you go home with a lesson from tonight. I believe that everyone is entitled to one screw-up in life. You’ve just had your allotted screw-up, and it was a pretty big one."

"Dr. Burnside, what’s gonna happen to you?"

"I’ll get a reprimand for leaving examination files unsecured. It’ll stay in my file for a year and then get pulled out. I can’t get promoted until that paper’s out of my file, but that’s no big deal. A year’s not that long."

Cecilia said nothing. Burnside put the committee papers on her desk.

"By the way, you understand that I still have to punish you?"

"But…I thought that…"

"Cecilia, what the committee did was to defer your punishment back to me. You’re still getting punished for what you did. It’s just that I’m doing it, not them, and the reason I’m doing it is so it won’t go into your academic record. But you placed my career in jeopardy, and you’re going to pay for that. That’s why I had you sign that paper. Before you go home we’re settling matters, here in this office."

Burnside took off her jacket and draped it over a chair. She rubbed her hands together to warm them up. Cecilia looked at her in terror, realizing…

"Get undressed. Fold up your dress and put it on that chair. Then put your underwear on top and your shoes underneath."

"Dr. Burnside, please…couldn’t you just do it over my clothes?"

"Of course I’m not punishing you over your clothes! Now start stripping! If I have to do it for you then I’ll really give you something to cry about!"

Her heart pounding, Cecilia reluctantly pulled the dress over her head. She fumbled with her bra and pushed her thong to her ankles, then stood in front of Burnside, as tears began flowing down her cheeks. The professor sat down on her office sofa. Cecilia reluctantly approached her, waiting for instructions. Burnside reached up, grabbed her wrist, and pulled the naked student across her lap.

"Move forward a bit…good…now turn your butt up and spread your legs."

As she complied, Cecilia felt the cool air gently blow between her legs. She felt completely helpless and exposed, lying at the mercy of her professor.

Burnside rested her hand on Cecilia’s right bottom-cheek.

"This is going to hurt, and we’re going to be at it for a while. Until I’m finished, I expect you to keep your bottom relaxed and turned up. You will keep your hands in front and your feet down. If you tighten your bottom by tensing up your muscles, I’ll warn you by running my finger up the middle. You’ll relax immediately, because I’m not going to tire my hand out spanking a tensed up bottom. Do you understand me?"

"Y…yes…I understand."

Burnside paused to enjoy the sight of her victim’s soft dark skin. Finally she lifted delivered a very sharp SMACK. Cecilia squealed at the force of the blow. She would discover that Ruth Burnside, although in her late 30’s, was physically fit and very strong from having worked out all her life. An over the lap spanking from her was a serious matter and a long, painful experience.

SLAP!…SLAP!…SLAP! Burnside spanked slowly, spacing the smacks about 5 seconds apart to allow Cecilia feel the full effect of each swat. She spanked on alternate sides, covering her entire bottom with painful, stinging marks. The student struggled to keep her bottom turned up and clasped her hands to keep them from reaching back to protect her backside. Tears were running down her cheeks, but they were not tears from the spanking itself. She was crying over the entire traumatic day, of which the physical punishment was the final painful episode.

SLAP!…SLAP!…SLAP! As the pain continued to worsen, Cecilia struggled to avoid crying out. There was nothing she could do about the tears flowing down her cheeks, but she was determined to show as much courage as possible and not let Burnside hear any crying. Only once did she tense up, the muscles in her bottom tightening against Burnside’s hand. Burnside ran her index finger up the middle as a warning. The student managed to relax her backside and the spanking continued.

The young woman’s emotions were going through turmoil as she tried to stay in position for each swat. She did not resent being punished in this manner, because the alternative was expulsion and having her life ruined. If anything, the pain burning into her backside was a relief. All day she had felt guilty over the trouble she had caused Burnside, and had wondered how to make it up to her. Well, now she didn’t have to worry about that anymore. She was receiving the needed punishment, the intensity of which was driving away the guilt. No, she would make no effort to cover herself or avoid the swats.

Burnside's anger began to subside as she belabored the quiet student. She was pleased that Cecilia continued to lie across her lap, stoically accepting the punishment she so obviously had earned.

SLAP!…SLAP!…SLAP! As brave as she was, it was becoming harder and harder for Cecilia to stay in position. She couldn't believe the endurance Burnside had in her arm. The minutes dragged by and the slow rhythm of the punishment did not change. 15 minutes....20 minutes...25 minutes... The experience was as severe as a paddling, with Cecilia's bottom becoming swollen and quite red. Perhaps this was just an over-the-lap hand spanking, but Cecilia would feel it for a couple of days and sit uncomfortably in class the next morning.

Cecilia couldn't hold out any longer. After about 30 minutes of severe spanking, she began crying, the one thing she desperately had wanted to avoid. However, Burnside was not about to grant her that desire. Breaking the student was an important part of the punishment, and finally, after half an hour of non-stop pain, she did break. As the painful slaps continued to land on her swollen bottom, Cecilia's body shook as her sobs filled the room.

Burnside decided to wind down the spanking, because Cecilia finally was doing what she needed to do, cry. She was releasing the guilt and tension built up throughout the day's traumatic events, something the professor felt was necessary before she could go back to her room. For several minutes Burnside did nothing, simply waiting with a re-assuring hand on the student's back while she continued to cry it out. Once she had recovered enough to stand up, things would be right between the student and her professor. The anger and guilt would stay in the office. Tomorrow would be a new day, a new beginning, and a new opportunity for Cecilia to move ahead with her life.

Cecilia’s crying subsided about 10 minutes after Burnside finished spanking her. The professor signaled her to get up.

"Come-on, we’re done. I want you to get back to your room at a decent hour so you can get ready for tomorrow."

Cecilia slowly stood up and sadly looked at the professor. Already Burnside was putting her jacket back on. The student reluctantly reached for her thong and slipped it over her very sore bottom. After putting on her dress, she wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure what. Finally a question popped into her mind.

"Dr. Burnside?"

"Yes, Cecilia?"

"How come you didn’t tell the committee that you…told me ‘don’t open any files? I mean like…that you didn’t say nothin’ about it…’cause you did."

"I didn’t mention that because I wanted to save your ass, Cecilia. That’s what I was worried about. I probably could’ve avoided the write-up if I had mentioned what I said about not opening files, but then you would’ve gotten kicked out."

"And you don’t care…about yourself?"

"Of course I care about myself. I’m not happy about what happened. I’m still pissed about it. But I didn’t want to see you on a bus heading back to New Jersey."

"I wouldn’t have gone back there, Dr. Burnside. I couldn’t of. I would’ve just…tried to disappear."

"I figured as much. I could see it in your eyes, when I came back from class and saw you sitting there in the receptionist’s office with that dead look on your face."

Cecilia nodded, and with all her effort managed not to cry again. She realized something important, that Burnside cared about her. The professor was cruel and unpleasant, but at the same time wanted the best out of life for her. In spite of the pain coming from her still throbbing bottom, the knowledge that her professor actually cared about her somehow seemed to make the entire night worth it.

"Good night, Dr. Burnside."

"Good night, Cecilia. Remember, it’ll be bright and early tomorrow. You’ve got a day of catching up to do."